By: Danielle Dawson, M.A., L.M.F.T.
No matter the reason for the lack of intimacy or sex – not being in the mood, feeling self-conscious about your body or abilities, or physical side effects – it is important to understand how to feel good about yourself and be close to someone you love.
Here are four things you need to understand to create a good sex life:
- Your mindset. Your brain is your largest sexual organ. The way we think about sex causes us to feel a particular way about sex, which creates our behaviors around sex and intimacy. If negative thoughts and feelings about sex are at the forefront of your mind, you will create distance from having it by pulling away from your own sexuality and your partner. Challenging those negative thoughts into optimistic thoughts will open you up to new ways of being connected and intimate.
- Your self-esteem. Often you believe self-esteem is tied to your productivity, success, looks and abilities, which can create negative self-talk with a judgmental tone of being better than or less than others or your old self. But self-esteem includes having a realistic and appreciative view of oneself – you believe you are neither more nor less than those around you or who you were before cancer.
- Your sexuality. Your sexuality is more than your outward appearance. It is the meaning you place on your physical appearance and the core beliefs you have about your sexuality. Creating a realistic, appreciative view about the changes your body is going through or how your body looks helps you have compassion for yourself and allows you to be open to your sexuality, and learn new ways to find pleasure in your body.
- Your relationship. Stress in your relationship can cause distance within the couple, affecting intimacy. Your ability to communicate with your partner about your feelings and desires creates a place to feel connected and find ways to increase intimacy. This is done through open communication and understanding that your feelings are not facts. Feelings can be changed through being heard and understood by our partners. Being able to communicate fears, insecurities, wants and desires help you and your partner to create the sex life you are both looking for.
